The Divine Romance (3 of 7): Indiscretions

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. (Rom. 2:1 NIV)

I can recall at least two instances in my life when my father displayed any kind of affection towards me. One was when I was 5 or 6 y.o. as I lay in a hospital bed recovering from surgery to remove a clot from my ear, suffered as a result of hitting my head against the headboard of a bed. How did I hit my head against the headboard you ask? Keep in my mind we were 5 y.o. when I explain how I was jumping up and down on a bed with a girl, named Michelle. My family had gone over to a friend’s house for a party, the occasion for which I can’t recall, but I do recall how even at 5 y.o. I was smitten with Michelle. We hit it off so well, but what do you do to have fun with a girl when you’re 5, but use her parents’ bed as a trampoline? So, there we were jumping up and down on the bed, having a great time, and the next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed with a needle in my arm, bandages around my head, and my father kneeling down beside my bed, his head bowed down resting against his hands, clasped together in prayer. It’s one of the few touching memories I have of my father. The other actually came after his death when, while at his funeral, one of his employees approached me and explained that when I called my dad for Father’s day that year, he stopped everything he was doing, stuck his head out of his office door, and instructed his secretary to hold all his calls; demanding that he not be bothered, explaining, “I’m talking with my son.” To this day I find it difficult to hold back the tears as I picture that event. A year previous to that Father’s Day phone call, I had a blow-up with my father regarding his other wife and family. A cousin with whom I was close felt it difficult to hide from me the fact that my father had another family, especially since she regularly interacted with my half-brothers and half-sisters. She confided this fact with me and I, in my sanctimony, self-righteousness and moral superiority, took it upon myself to confront, challenge and call my father on his indiscretion. In my immaturity, ignorance, and naiveté I thought I could turn my father from the “dark side”[1]. Suffice it to say, that I failed miserably as my father vigorously rejected and dismissed my “authority” to question, challenge, and confront him on this issue. I returned to school in San Diego with my tail between my legs, my ego bruised and bitter feelings towards my father. In college I served as a writing tutor helping other students with their writing. During the previous semester I got to know a student while helping her on a couple of her papers. We reconnected this next semester and became friends. We were both commuter students and since the tutoring session was our last class of the day, I routinely escorted her back to her car. The time it took to walk back to our cars provided ample opportunity to get to know each other. She learned of my course of study and eventual goal to be a Catholic priest. This awareness prompted her to trust me and, over time, confide in me. I provided a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. One thing, however, led to another and we eventually became physically intimate. It was a short-lived affair as she was already married – a fact of which I was only too aware. This event caused much shame, pain, regret, remorse and self-condemnation. It was a major “hot stove” experience for me. There’s an adage that says, “An unguarded strength is a double weakness”. I am now acutely aware of the accuracy of this adage in my life. As someone about to enter the priesthood, I prided myself on my ability to resist sexual temptation, my resolve to take a vow of celibacy, which was “evidence” of my commitment to God, which only fed the conceit that I would be that much closer to God, morally superior, more virtuous and further along that “stairway to heaven”[2] than the average person. The irony wasn’t lost on me. When the fog of passion cleared and I fully realized what I had done, I could painfully personalize David’s experience when God used Nathan the prophet to rebuke David over his acts of adultery and murder[3]. I realized with greater clarity my hypocrisy much like Moses, perhaps, when challenged by his fellow Israelites after he killed the Egyptian[4]; though in my case, I killed the Egyptian after I lectured my brothers against the same. The realization of my moral failure and hypocrisy prompted a letter and phone call to my father asking his forgiveness for my presumption, pride and arrogance; a call I’m glad to have made, and a letter I’m thankful to have written before his death. I find that the longer I walk with God, the closer I get to Him, the nearer I come to the “Father of Lights”[5]; the more His Light is shed on my sinfulness, the more plainly, clearly and obviously I see the depravity, wickedness and deceitfulness of my heart - so much so that the ever increasing sobering reality sets in how that, “…all [my] righteousnesses (sic) are like filthy rags…”[6]; serving to further dislodge, dismiss and dispel any stubbornly persistent delusions of personal righteousness apart from, and independent of, God. The subsequent years have proven to be my “humiliation in Midian” – God’s continued humbling, pruning, purifying, sanctifying and “becoming more like Jesus” process, wherein I, and in fact, anyone one who, not only calls on Jesus as Lord, but seeks to do the Father’s will [7], “…are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory”[8]; in order that one day, perhaps, we, also, might be able to say, “I do only what I see the Father doing”[9], thereby, truly following in Our Father’s footsteps. I fully expect this to be a life-long process (for myself at least), but however long it takes I trust, “…that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”[10], or at least until DAD calls me Home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7p9Cj9oWb4
"And your eyes explode with light, explode with light, I'm covered in your light.
My home is where you are, In every beat, in every beat we're closer." (Home, Paul Van Dyk)

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Pr.16: 18 NIV)

“A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” (Proverbs 6:32 NIV)

“Brothers if anyone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted…if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” (Gal. 6:1 NIV)

“You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Mt. 5:27-28 NIV)

“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23 NIV)

“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…” (John 8:6-8 KJV)

“You are my Lord, my goodness is nothing apart from You.” (Psalm 16:2 NIV)

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16 NIV)

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” (Psalm 51:1-4 NIV)

“Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18 NIV)

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV)

“Youth is wasted on the young.” (George Bernard Shaw)

"Sweet the sin, Bitter the taste in my mouth" (Running to Stand Still, U2)

“He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus” (When You Were Young, The Killers)

“You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:46-47 NIV)

"I am a stranger in the earth...My soul breaks with longing For Your judgments at all times." (Psalm 119:19,20 NIV)

"...they were aliens and strangers on earth...they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."(Heb.11:13,16 NIV)

[1] Star Wars, 1977

[2] “Stairway to Heaven”, Led Zeppelin

[3] 2 Samuel 12

[4] Exodus 2:11-4 NIV

[5] James 1:17 KJV

[6] Isaiah 64:5-7 NKJV

[7] Matthew 7:21 NIV

[8] 2Corinthians 3:18 NKJV

[9] John 5:19 NIV

[10] Philippians 1:6 NIV