A Love Song

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him?  (Ps.8:3-5)

I’m nothing without You, Lord.  Forgive my vain ambitions, which are nothing but a “chasing after the wind”[1].  For, “what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?” [2] I would be blessed beyond measure if You should decide to take me home sooner rather than later.  I’m loathe of further grieving Your heart and messing things up the longer I’m in this world, so I, “work out [my] salvation with fear and trembling.”[3]  I confess, I fail You in word, deed and thought.  “[A]s a dog returns to its vomit”[4], so often I return to my folly and pet sins.  I so distrust myself as I recognize my capacity for evil, selfishness, self-centeredness, and pride.  I’m acutely aware of how my, “…heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; Who can understand it”[5] but You oh Lord?  So, if You should have me stay here a little longer, to fulfill whatever purpose You have for me, I fully realize I can’t do this thing, walk this walk, live this life, much less, perform the works that You have “prepared beforehand”[6] without You.  I’ve learned that it’s “…not by might nor by power, but by [Your] Spirit”[7] whereby I can perform any good work of lasting value.  I need Your help every step of the way.  I’m so tired of following my own way, leaning on my own understanding, making wrong turns, running off the road You intend for me only to end up stranded in a ditch, in mud and mire.  I vaguely remember a fleeting dream, not long after my soul’s re-generation upon inviting You to live in me; wherein I encountered someone much like me, but not me, someone closer to me than my very heart yet distinct from me, someone I vaguely knew yet whom I wished, desired, longed to know further, but the dream faded. I thought it was my soul mate, but I realize now that it was You all along.  Forgive me, Lord for my earthly infatuations, for my idolatrous substitutions in placing others before You. For You alone are the Lover of my soul.  YOU ARE MY SOUL’S MATE.  I realize that You alone can fulfill the longings of my soul.  You alone can meet the deepest yearnings of my heart.  When I try to satisfy these yearnings and longings with anything or anyone other than You, I am woefully frustrated. You alone can satisfy.  You are the love of my life.  You’re my “summum bonum”[8], - my highest good.  Many may criticize and ridicule my belief, my trust in and reliance on You as a mere crutch, but they don’t know the half of it.  You’re infinitely more than that.  You’re my hospital bed, You’re my life support, You’re the breath of my life[9], without which I would perish and cease to exist.  I need You more than oxygen, more than life itself.  I need You, Lord, “…earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you.”[10]  I’m desperate for You. I’m lost without You. I love You because You first loved me.[11]  I love You.  I love You.   I love You.  I love You.  I love You.  I don’t recall ever being held by my earthly father, ever hearing the words, “I love you”; but I want to be held by You, my Abba Father, my God.  I want to rest in Your arms.  I long to hear You say You love me.  I aspire to no high office, much less, the assistant to the assistant doorkeeper[12] in Heaven for that would be too ambitious for me.  I’d only be too glad to inhabit the lowest office, to be the last in line, if only I could catch a glimpse of Your beauty from time to time, for that would more than satisfy me.  And, if only from the furthest distance, far away from the heavenly choir, could I sing to You, yet I would glorify You crying louder than any rock or stone[13], “Your love is better than life”[14]!  I love You.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jU1UF7MpK1k

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. (Psalm 40:1-3)

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you." (Psalm 73:25)

“I will sing, sing a new song, I will sing, sing a new song, how long to sing this song?” (“40”, U2)

“My sin yelled ‘crucify!’ louder than the mob that day, my sin yelled ‘crucify!’ louder than any mouth, my sin yelled ‘crucify, crucify, crucify-ay, ay, ay” (Louder than the Mob, O.C. Supertones)

“I’m forever yours…faithfully” (Faithfully, Journey)

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[1] Ecclesiastes 1:14

[2] Mark 8:36

[3] Philippians 2:12

[4] Proverbs 26:11

[5] Jeremiah 17:9

[6] Ephesians 2:10

[7] Zechariah 4:6

[8] “On the Nature of Good”, Augustine

[9] Genesis 2:7

[10] Psalm 63:1

[11] 1 John 4:19

[12] Psalm 84:10

[13] Luke 19:40

[14] Psalm 63:3

The Divine Romance (4 of 4): Epiphany

“In the beginning God…” (Genesis 1:1)

My doubts regarding the existence of God persisted from around 5th grade until about the summer before I entered H.S. It was during the summer between 7th and 8th grade that I experienced a turning point in this crisis of faith. During those long days of summer vacation, I would routinely stay up late watching TV into the wee hours of the night. On one night in particular, I found myself the only one left awake - my brother and sisters already having gone to bed. It was about 2 a.m. and I decided to turn in. As I walked to the bedroom I shared with my brother, I passed the hallway bathroom. At the time, we had a full-length mirror adorning the far wall of the bathroom. As I passed the bathroom, out of the corner of my eye, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. For some unexplainable reason, I stopped in my tracks and entered the bathroom. With only the hall light providing dim illumination, I stood in front of the mirror and gazed at my reflection. I don’t know how to explain it, but in the few moments I stood in front of that mirror examining my reflection, gazing into my eyes as they peered back at me, a whisper, a still small voice, a question arose in my heart and mind: “How else?” At that moment, an epiphany, a revelation, a profound, “silent lucidity”[1] seemed to permeate, penetrate and dissipate the fog that previously shrouded my mind from the obvious, plain and simple truth: “How else could I be, how could I exist, how could all that exists in the world, with all of its complexity and apparent design, exist unless there is or was someone/something that conceived/designed/created me/the world?” I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was articulating, asserting and affirming what philosophers refer to as the cosmological (God is the first cause) and teleological (the universe has purpose, design) arguments for the existence of God.[2] (Philosophers use 4 syllable words and larger to justify the effort and expense in obtaining our “under-water basket-weaving” degrees; which, I’m proud to say, prepared me to placidly ponder the profound problem of poverty as I promptly joined the ranks of the unemployed upon procuring my degree) Now, I realized even at that age, this epiphany wasn’t a “proof” of God’s existence in the sense of a scientific, mathematical or logical proof, but I have since come to realize that neither is there a “proof” of God’s non-existence, i.e. you can’t disprove God’s existence. And the reason we can’t disprove God’s existence is that the means we would employ, viz. science, is inapt, ill suited, and inadequate for the task. Science comes from the Latin “scientia”, which means “to know, to learn”. But the realm of science is that of empirical, tangible, observable phenomena. God, being a spirit, is outside of the realm of science. Claims regarding God and spiritual matters are of a “metaphysical” (above/beyond the physical) quality and aren’t (normally) observable, or empirically testable. I must clarify that my concept of “God” at the time didn’t extend to the belief in the Christian God, merely that there had to be a first cause and if we called this “god”, so be it. I hadn’t yet come to the acceptance or belief in a personal god, merely that there had to be a first cause to all that exists, the obvious design and complexity in creation providing compelling evidence for that view. It was a “deistic”/impersonal view, and not a “theistic”/personal view of “god”. It could readily have been Aristotle’s “Prime Mover”, or maybe even a pantheistic view akin to the “The Force” from Star Wars for that matter, but at any rate, in my heart and mind, “God” was the creative “force” behind all that existed. I realize there are those who may criticize this attempt to defend the existence of God as an antiquated, unenlightened and primitive need to try and explain the universe; that “god”, impersonal or personal, is a mere crutch to make sense out of what is, in fact, senseless (nihilism); an attempt to provide comfort in a sea of uncertainty, an attempt to assuage our fears of the unknown, that science is a more enlightened approach to explaining and understanding the universe. But my argument, at this point, merely centers on this common, prevalent, universal desire to comprehend, understand, and make sense of the world through science, religion, or by whatever means; but that this common desire to make sense of the world requires, necessitates, demands that we agree, find consensus, establish “common ground” regarding standards/rules/measures/principles/ideals that are objective/impartial/unbiased/outside of/independent of us. A standard, by definition, is “…something considered by an authority or by general consent as a basis of comparison; an approved model…a rule or principle…used as a basis for judgment…”[3] It’s seems the nature of a “standard”, “rule” or “principle” necessitates that it be objective, impartial and altogether outside of us, else our respective “standards” could prove so at odds, unlike, different and disparate from each other’s that we would be hard-pressed to find common ground whereby interaction of any sort would be difficult, at best, and impossible, at worst. But the fact of the matter is that we do interact with each other, we can speak/communicate with each other, we can conduct business in fair and equitable means, and we can make “judgments” when one party or another is “wronged” in light of those rules/standards/principles upon which we as a society have agreed. And it is this sense, awareness, feeling and perception of “being wronged” that is the crucial part of this whole equation. The violation of what is “fair” and the resulting outcry on the part of the “wronged party” is an indication of something beyond us, outside of us – objective and not subjective. It’s not self-referential, but points to “a higher authority”, even if only this “higher authority”, whether we call it “god” or not, is “something” upon which we have agreed binds us, limits us, provides a boundary for human behavior, in the way of standards/rules/laws, thus protecting us from the violation of “rights” afforded us by those standards/rules/laws/principles. This is a key point in my discourse because everything hinges on “God”. If God doesn’t exist, then rules/principles/standards and laws are meaningless and it would truly be every man for himself, where “might makes right”, rendering the Nietzsche-ian “will-to-power” expressed in his ubermensch /overman/superman [4] as one of the more “sensible” way to lead one’s life. (Frederick Nietzsche’s ideas supplied much of the intellectual underpinnings for Hitler’s Aryanism in general, and Nazism in particular;[5] which, by the way, goes to show that there truly is “…nothing new under the sun…”[6] as this is merely one of the more recent (in light of history) iterations of man’s attempts to supplant God in a long line of would-be “overmen”/anti-christs throughout history who’ve embodied this “will to power” - the first being Lucifer[7]) However, if God does exist, then not only is there right and wrong, standards/principles/rules, but (and here’s the rub) consequences for violating those rules. This isn’t limited to just the moral/ethical/political/religious arena, but applies to the whole of science/math/arts/music/literature/philosophy – indeed every human endeavor. The etymology of “enthusiasm” comes from the Greek “en theos”, meaning “in God”. I suspect that the apathy, aloofness, ennui, indifference, and callousness that we at one time or another experience is indicative of when we are least “inspired” by God or “en theos”. It seems that a belief or disbelief in God can do much to influence, color, affect, and animate every aspect of life. He is, after all, the first cause:

“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.” (Revelation 22:13 NIV)

“You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14 NASB)

“By the word of the Lord the heavens were made, and all the host of them by the breath of His mouth…” (Psalms 33:6 NKJV)

God shows his anger from heaven against all sinful, wicked people who suppress the truth by their wickedness. They know the truth about God because he has made it obvious to them. For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities-his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God. (Romans 1:18-20 NLT)

Those who believe they believe in God but without passion in the heart, without anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, and even at times without despair, believe only in the idea of God, and not in God himself. --Madeleine L'Engle

"This is what I see, and what troubles me. I look on all sides, and everywhere I see nothing but obscurity. Nature offers me nothing that is not a matter of doubt and disquiet. If I saw no signs of a divinity, I would fix myself in denial. If I saw everywhere the marks of a Creator, I would repose peacefully in faith. But seeing too much to deny [Him], and too little to assure me, I am in a pitiful state, and I would wish a hundred times that if a God sustains nature it would reveal Him without ambiguity." (Pascal, Pensées, 1669)

"You must wager; it is not optional... Let us weigh the gain and the loss in wagering that God exists... If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists." (Pascal’s Wager, Pensées, Blaise Pascal)

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? …Of course, I could have given up my idea of justice by saying that it was nothing but a private idea of my own [relativism]. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too--for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my private fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist--in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless [nihilism]--I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality--namely my idea of justice--was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning. (“Mere Christianity”, C.S. Lewis)

The most beautiful and most profound experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. To know that what is impenetrable to us really exists, manifesting itself as the highest wisdom and the most radiant beauty which our dull faculties can comprehend only in their primitive forms - this knowledge, this feeling is at the center of true religiousness.(Albert Einstein - The Merging of Spirit and Science)

We may seek God by our intellect, but we only can find him with our heart. –Cotvos

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” (Declaration of Independence, adopted by Congress July 4, 1776)

“I don't need no one to tell me about heaven, I look at my daughter, and I believe. I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth, I can see the sunset and I perceive” (“Heaven”, Live) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_nImUzRv0w&feature=channel

[1] “Silent Lucidity” (Queensryche)

[2] http://www.theologicalstudies.citymax.com/page/page/1572404.htm

[3] http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/standard

[4] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friedrich_Nietzsche;

[5] http://www.history.ucsb.edu/faculty/marcuse/classes/133p/133p04papers/MKalishNietzNazi046.htm

[6] Ecclesiastes 1:9 (NKJV)

[7] Isaiah 14:12-15 NKJV

The Flesh Profits Nothing

If you would indulge me, I’d like to explain how I don't in any way, harbor any animosity, grudge or bitterness towards my father, much less, my extended siblings. But first, let me explain how I don't care for the term "half-brother/sister" because in actuality we are ALL brothers and sisters in THE FAMILY of God, where our Lord Jesus is, “…the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”1 I place greater import and significance on our relationships in the Spirit than those in the flesh since, "It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing...2" Earlier in my walk, since my siblings had not yet come to the saving knowledge of Christ, I've oftentimes felt greater/sweeter/truer kinship/fellowship with my Christian family than with my own blood. Our familial or filial relationships, so long as they remain un-sanctified by the Blood of Jesus, necessarily pales in comparison to our relations with the family of God since "...the natural man does not receive the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; nor can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned."3 Not long after my conversion in H.S. and well before my sister’s, I recall sitting in a car with her one winter night, trying to convey the zeal that I had for my new found faith, how the pride of life, our worldly ambitions and desires paled in comparison to the glory of the upward call I had in Christ as a newly realized citizen of heaven, how she too could experience this regeneration of her “spirit man” and the accompanying paradigm shift or renewing of her mind, as a born again believer in Christ, and how the words of the Bible can come to life and enlighten her mind as they did mine to the true nature of reality and the meaning of life. Though she kindly listened, my words fell flat, and I "sighed deeply in [my] spirit.."3b feeling frustrated in my inability to make her see what I saw, feel what I felt, and hear what I heard in the Bible, in particular, the words of Christ made alive for the first time. I’ve come to realize that those merely born of the flesh have little in common with those who have been “born again” since “the things of the Spirit of God…are foolishness to him”; whereas those very same “things of the Spirit of God”, in particular, “the words” spoken by Jesus, “are spirit and they are life” for us.4 There is consequently, therefore, little “fellowship” between those in darkness and those in the light, “For… what fellowship can light have with darkness?”5 But this isn’t to in anyway belittle or demean those in “darkness” since everyone one of us was born in “darkness”, prior to being “born again”, illegitimate children as we were, outside of the Family of God, lost until we came to salvation in Christ. I myself was “alienated from God” as a result of original sin, His “enemy” by virtue of my wicked thoughts and acts.6 It was only when Our Father finally saw fit to draw me to Him, that I eventually entered the sheepfold, the family of God: “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.”7 It took 7 years from when He first touched my heart until I bent the knee and confessed Jesus as my Lord and Savior while still in H.S., but God has since, “…reconciled [me] to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given [me] the ministry of reconciliation”, and now in my role as an “ambassador for Christ, as though God were pleading through [me]”, on Christ’s behalf, I implore those yet in darkness to be reconciled to God.8 So then, my boast is not in the family into which I’ve been born in the flesh, “for the flesh profits nothing”, not in my surname, since I’ll be given a new name in heaven 9 ; rather I glory in my adoption into the family of God by virtue of, “the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world”10 ; understanding that “branches were broken off that I might be grafted in…” to His family, therefore, I am not “haughty, but fear”11 , presently striving whilst in this life to “work out [my] own salvation with fear and trembling”12 , understanding that, “it is God who works in [me] to will and to act according to his good purpose"13 ; hoping in “the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe”14 since, “God our Savior...wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.”15
Formerly, under the Old Covenant, those born out of wedlock or fornication were considered illegitimate16 ; but under the new covenant, we now understand that, “…If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children; it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all.”17 . And how do we become “really his children”, except that “Ye…be born again”18 , since “That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit.”19 From God’s perspective then, illegitimacy is not a result of how I am brought into this world, but rather how I leave it - whether or not I am a child of God, and that, by virtue of the BLOOD of Jesus. It is the BLOOD-line of Jesus that legitimizes my kinship in the family of God. And the discipline I may undergo as His child is but further evidence of my status and legitimacy as a child of God, “For whom the LORD loves He corrects, Just as a father the son in whom he delights”20 – in order, “that we may share in his holiness.”21 Therefore, our human, carnal, and natural bloodlines are secondary, subservient and subordinate to the spiritual, “For whoever does the will of God IS My brother and My sister and mother.”22 If this definition of who my true family members are in the family of God is good enough for our Lord Jesus, it’s good enough for me. Besides, who am I to disobey a direct command from Our Father: "This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!"23
Please understand I’m not here to judge my father or anyone else for that matter - “Let us not therefore judge one another anymore”.24 That’s a lesson I’ve learned for quite a while now, as that’s something best left to God. Besides, I don’t have all the facts, and even if I did, I don’t know the heart, and God judges not only our actions, but the motivations of our heart as He is, “a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.25” However, I’ve heard that we can be “fruit inspectors” since, “… by their fruits you will know them...”26 ; and determine if there exists in one’s life that fruit of the Spirit which is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness , gentleness, and self-control” – a fruit of which I have tasted precious little from my father. As far as “greatness” is concerned, I think the world’s definition of “greatness” is far removed from that of Our Father’s, “for he that is least among you all, the same shall be great.”27 I’ll gladly leave it up to DAD to determine who among us is “great”. I suspect that we’ll be quite surprised on that Day, to see who sits in the places of honor: “…to sit on My right hand and on My left is not Mine to give, but it is for those for whom it is prepared by My Father”28 But my primary concern, as should everyone’s who calls Him, “Lord”, is to discover “his good, pleasing and perfect will”29 since, “Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.”30
Moreover, I've long learned that unforgiveness is one of the spiritual strongholds that Satan can use to imprison us by stealing our joy, thereby nullifying our effectiveness for the Kingdom. I learned the etymology of "forgiveness" is to "slacken" or “loosen” as in “to loosen a knot”. In many ways, therefore, if we don't forgive we can be bound or tied up in knots, as a result of being embittered, enslaved, and "defiled" by that "root of bitterness"31 , its defilement not limited to myself as I’ve learned it affects ALL my relationships. It’s really to my own benefit to forgive. It’s only to my own hurt if I hold on to grudges, offenses and hurts. (I think some sicknesses result from our emotional well-being, don’t you think? I’ve literally seen the bitterness over past offenses etched on some peoples’ faces.) Suffice it to say, I've long since forgiven my father and moved on. A resource and tool that was instrumental in helping me overcome the hurts of the past was a book by a Christian counselor and author, Neil Anderson, who writes on the topic of Spiritual Warfare, based on his experiences in counseling. In his book, “Bondage Breaker” he explains how many people, Christians and non-Christian alike are bound by the strongholds of unforgiveness and unconfessed sin. In regards to unforgiveness, he explains how we are bound by the cords of bitterness and resentment when we refuse to forgive and release the ones who hurt us. Per his instructions in the book, I placed a chair in the middle of the floor, imagining my father sitting in it. I then conveyed what was on my heart expressing my feelings, my pain regarding the hurts both emotional and physical that I incurred at his hands; the disappointment at not having felt his love or affection, wishing that we had a father-son relationship but feeling fatherless, oftentimes feeling belittled, demeaned, embarrassed, humiliated and made to feel I was nothing, feeling, "small and despised" (Ps.119:141), insignificant, inconsequential and unimportant to him. But at the end, and most importantly, I expressly forgave him. I released him of any grudge I had against him. I tearfully uttered the words, “I forgive you...I release you...I love you...I miss you.” With the uttering of these words, I felt myself letting go of the hurts and offenses that up until then were bottled up, stuffed away, hidden and repressed. It was a cathartic experience, a purging, purifying and thorough cleaning of my heart and soul. It was a letting go of a heavy weight, and a release from any chains of subconscious resentment, bitterness and anger that may have remained even after my initial letter to my father. Truly, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”32 Hallelujah! Praise God! Thank You Jesus!
Do I wish things could have been different? Do I wish I could have had a “dad”, a real father-son relationship? If, while as a child, you had given me a choice between a reality where my father was faithful to his wife and truly loved his children and the opposite, i.e. what I, in fact, experienced as a child, would I not have chosen the former? Of course! I haven’t buried or repressed that desire that wish, despite that “father wound”. I’ve already shared how I’m brought to tears when I picture the story of my father ordering his office staff to leave him alone as he takes a call from me on that Father’s Day before his death. And though, I sometimes wonder what could have been, I don’t “dwell on the past”33 . If I did, I would be embittered, resentful and enslaved by the stronghold of unforgiveness. But for the grace of God, I could easily have taken that road of unforgiveness as opposed to the road of forgiveness, which I have, in fact, taken. Any reference to the past, therefore, is merely for illustrative or educational purposes, if only for myself. It would be difficult to appreciate that I am “a new creation”34 , if I didn’t recall what I formerly was. Even the apostle Paul appreciated what he was prior to his conversion to Christ.35 So thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit in my heart, I’ve reconciled with the past, having been honest with myself and with God about it (honesty begets healing, after all). That is why I'm able, despite any scars, to view God as a loving Father, since having, “received the Spirit of sonship…by him [I] cry, "Abba, Father"36. Regrettably, there are those who may have experienced a “father wound” at the hands of their earthly fathers, who may subconsciously hold it against God, thereby, finding it difficult to view Him as “The Everlasting Father”37, much less, relate to Him as “Abba, Father”. I understand that in some cases, this “father wound” can be more grievous as in the case of molestation, resulting in greater lasting physical/emotional harm, which will require a deeper work of healing by the Holy Spirit, our God who, “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”38 But in any case, the principle remains the same – release from the stronghold of unforgiveness and from the heavy chains of bitterness and resentment requires my release of the one who hurt me: “…forgive us our debts, As we forgive our debtors”39 - the accomplishment of which, for many, will require and necessitate a true and utter reliance upon "God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." 40; realizing that it's "Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty."41
So as far as forgiveness goes, that’s a done deal. I think you might better discern this if you read the subsequent letter to this one (if you don’t like to read, wait for the movie – it’s going straight to DVD). But, by doing so, you would get a better picture of my outlook on life, love, God, etc. To be honest, In my conceit, I view myself as an artist; in my case, the keyboard is my paintbrush, the screen my canvas, and the object I labor to try and depict is the landscape of my heart. And although the depiction of that landscape may contain darkness (“in this world you will have tribulation”42), it also contains light. And just as this combination, amalgamation and blending of both light and dark results in the beauty of the landscape of our lives as rendered by the sovereign Hand of the Master Painter, so I "...know that ALL things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." (Rom.8:28)


Father, I want You to hold me I want to rest in Your arms today
Father, I want You to show me how much You care for me in every way
I bring all my cares (fears) and I lay them at Your feet
You are always there (here) and You love me as I am
Yes You love me as I am (“Father I Want You to Hold Me”, Brian Doerksen)
“…if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.”(Rom.10:9-10 NKJV)
“No one else can know your sadness, and strangers cannot share your joy.” (Pr.14:10 NCV)
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book." (Ps.56:8 NLT)
"Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.”(Jn.3:5-7 KJV)
"Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." (Gal.4:6)
"God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.” (Jn.4:24)
“A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house.”(Mark 6:4)
“Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, "It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's household." (Gen.41:51)
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.” (Is.43:18)
“…this world in its present form is passing away.” (1Cor.7:31)
“Those who don't know history are destined to repeat it.” (Edmund Burke)
"Deep in thought I forgive everyone..." (Thirty Three, Smashing Pumpkins)
1 Rom.8:29
2 Jn.6:63
3 1Cor.2:14
3b Mark 8:12
4 Jn.6:63
5 (2Cor.6:14
6 Col.1:21
7 Jn.6:44
8 2Cor.5:20
9 Rev.2:17
10 Gal.6:14
11 Rom.11:19-20
12 Ph.2:12
13 Ph.2:13
14 1Cor.1:21
15 1Tim.2:4)
16 Deu.23:2
17 Heb.12:8 NLT
18 Jn.3:7
19 JN 3:6
20 Pr.3:12 NKJV
21 Heb.12:9
22 Mk.3:35 NKJV
23 Mt. 17:5 NKJV
24 Rom.14:13
25 Heb.4:12
26 Mt.7:20
27 Lk.9:48
28 Mt.20;23
29 Rom.12:2
30 Mt.7:21
31 Heb.12:15
32 Ps.147:3
33 Is.43:18
34 2Cor.5:17
35 1Tim.14:15
36 Rom.8:15
37 Is.6:9
38 Ps.147:3
39 Mt. 6:12
40 PH. 2:13
41 Zec.4:6
42 Jn.16:33

The Divine Romance (3 of 7): Indiscretions

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. (Rom. 2:1 NIV)

I can recall at least two instances in my life when my father displayed any kind of affection towards me. One was when I was 5 or 6 y.o. as I lay in a hospital bed recovering from surgery to remove a clot from my ear, suffered as a result of hitting my head against the headboard of a bed. How did I hit my head against the headboard you ask? Keep in my mind we were 5 y.o. when I explain how I was jumping up and down on a bed with a girl, named Michelle. My family had gone over to a friend’s house for a party, the occasion for which I can’t recall, but I do recall how even at 5 y.o. I was smitten with Michelle. We hit it off so well, but what do you do to have fun with a girl when you’re 5, but use her parents’ bed as a trampoline? So, there we were jumping up and down on the bed, having a great time, and the next thing I know I’m waking up in a hospital bed with a needle in my arm, bandages around my head, and my father kneeling down beside my bed, his head bowed down resting against his hands, clasped together in prayer. It’s one of the few touching memories I have of my father. The other actually came after his death when, while at his funeral, one of his employees approached me and explained that when I called my dad for Father’s day that year, he stopped everything he was doing, stuck his head out of his office door, and instructed his secretary to hold all his calls; demanding that he not be bothered, explaining, “I’m talking with my son.” To this day I find it difficult to hold back the tears as I picture that event. A year previous to that Father’s Day phone call, I had a blow-up with my father regarding his other wife and family. A cousin with whom I was close felt it difficult to hide from me the fact that my father had another family, especially since she regularly interacted with my half-brothers and half-sisters. She confided this fact with me and I, in my sanctimony, self-righteousness and moral superiority, took it upon myself to confront, challenge and call my father on his indiscretion. In my immaturity, ignorance, and naiveté I thought I could turn my father from the “dark side”[1]. Suffice it to say, that I failed miserably as my father vigorously rejected and dismissed my “authority” to question, challenge, and confront him on this issue. I returned to school in San Diego with my tail between my legs, my ego bruised and bitter feelings towards my father. In college I served as a writing tutor helping other students with their writing. During the previous semester I got to know a student while helping her on a couple of her papers. We reconnected this next semester and became friends. We were both commuter students and since the tutoring session was our last class of the day, I routinely escorted her back to her car. The time it took to walk back to our cars provided ample opportunity to get to know each other. She learned of my course of study and eventual goal to be a Catholic priest. This awareness prompted her to trust me and, over time, confide in me. I provided a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. One thing, however, led to another and we eventually became physically intimate. It was a short-lived affair as she was already married – a fact of which I was only too aware. This event caused much shame, pain, regret, remorse and self-condemnation. It was a major “hot stove” experience for me. There’s an adage that says, “An unguarded strength is a double weakness”. I am now acutely aware of the accuracy of this adage in my life. As someone about to enter the priesthood, I prided myself on my ability to resist sexual temptation, my resolve to take a vow of celibacy, which was “evidence” of my commitment to God, which only fed the conceit that I would be that much closer to God, morally superior, more virtuous and further along that “stairway to heaven”[2] than the average person. The irony wasn’t lost on me. When the fog of passion cleared and I fully realized what I had done, I could painfully personalize David’s experience when God used Nathan the prophet to rebuke David over his acts of adultery and murder[3]. I realized with greater clarity my hypocrisy much like Moses, perhaps, when challenged by his fellow Israelites after he killed the Egyptian[4]; though in my case, I killed the Egyptian after I lectured my brothers against the same. The realization of my moral failure and hypocrisy prompted a letter and phone call to my father asking his forgiveness for my presumption, pride and arrogance; a call I’m glad to have made, and a letter I’m thankful to have written before his death. I find that the longer I walk with God, the closer I get to Him, the nearer I come to the “Father of Lights”[5]; the more His Light is shed on my sinfulness, the more plainly, clearly and obviously I see the depravity, wickedness and deceitfulness of my heart - so much so that the ever increasing sobering reality sets in how that, “…all [my] righteousnesses (sic) are like filthy rags…”[6]; serving to further dislodge, dismiss and dispel any stubbornly persistent delusions of personal righteousness apart from, and independent of, God. The subsequent years have proven to be my “humiliation in Midian” – God’s continued humbling, pruning, purifying, sanctifying and “becoming more like Jesus” process, wherein I, and in fact, anyone one who, not only calls on Jesus as Lord, but seeks to do the Father’s will [7], “…are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory”[8]; in order that one day, perhaps, we, also, might be able to say, “I do only what I see the Father doing”[9], thereby, truly following in Our Father’s footsteps. I fully expect this to be a life-long process (for myself at least), but however long it takes I trust, “…that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”[10], or at least until DAD calls me Home.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7p9Cj9oWb4
"And your eyes explode with light, explode with light, I'm covered in your light.
My home is where you are, In every beat, in every beat we're closer." (Home, Paul Van Dyk)

“Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall” (Pr.16: 18 NIV)

“A man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself.” (Proverbs 6:32 NIV)

“Brothers if anyone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted…if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” (Gal. 6:1 NIV)

“You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.” But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Mt. 5:27-28 NIV)

“…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23 NIV)

“He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone…” (John 8:6-8 KJV)

“You are my Lord, my goodness is nothing apart from You.” (Psalm 16:2 NIV)

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16 NIV)

“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.” (Psalm 51:1-4 NIV)

“Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool.” (Isaiah 1:18 NIV)

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV)

“Youth is wasted on the young.” (George Bernard Shaw)

"Sweet the sin, Bitter the taste in my mouth" (Running to Stand Still, U2)

“He doesn’t look a thing like Jesus” (When You Were Young, The Killers)

“You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little." (Luke 7:46-47 NIV)

"I am a stranger in the earth...My soul breaks with longing For Your judgments at all times." (Psalm 119:19,20 NIV)

"...they were aliens and strangers on earth...they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."(Heb.11:13,16 NIV)

[1] Star Wars, 1977

[2] “Stairway to Heaven”, Led Zeppelin

[3] 2 Samuel 12

[4] Exodus 2:11-4 NIV

[5] James 1:17 KJV

[6] Isaiah 64:5-7 NKJV

[7] Matthew 7:21 NIV

[8] 2Corinthians 3:18 NKJV

[9] John 5:19 NIV

[10] Philippians 1:6 NIV

The Divine Romance (2 of 7): The Winter of [My] Discontent*

For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? (Mt.16:26 NKJV)
My father died at 50 of his first and only heart attack. They found him dead on the plane during a layover in Hawaii returning from a trip to the Philippines. He had just interviewed for a cabinet position for the incoming administration of Fidel Ramos. He was at the prime of his life. It was an abrupt ending to such a promising career and real American success story. If I could provide some background: My father was born into a family of moderate means, as his parents were both teachers. And if teaching isn’t a lucrative profession here in the U.S., it’s less so in the Philippines. He was the 3rd child in a family of 10 kids. He fought and struggled for everything he got. Eventually, he became a lawyer in the Philippines in a climate of political instability. He was involved in politics and wrote decrying the graft and corruption of the then-democratic government of Ferdinand Marcos. He understood the political climate, the dictatorial tendencies of the Marcos regime, and foresaw the coming declaration of martial law. To avoid political persecution, therefore, he joined the “brain drain” of intellectuals and professionals leaving the Philippines that occurred prior to Ferdinand Marcos’ eventual declaration of martial law and reign as a dictator through the 70s and 80s. He and my mother arrived in NYC, in this land of opportunity. And finding himself in a new country, he worked hard to provide for a young family, selling life insurance. I still remember him occasionally (when baby sitters were unavailable) taking me, my sister, and brother who was still in diapers along with him to appointments. I recall him taking us to these tenement buildings and knocking on apartment doors. When the occupants asked, “Who is it?” he cried out, “Insurance man!” and they would let us in. I think it helped him close some deals by toting us around. While providing for us selling insurance, he was also self-studying for the bar exam that would allow him to practice law in the U.S. I still recall him seated at the kitchen table, reading law books late at night, writing notes and typing papers. His hard work finally paid off when while I was in 3rd grade he passed the bar exam and was able to practice law in the U.S. and eventually serve as a judge. It’s a true American success story and an example of how hard work, determination and perseverance can result in achieving one’s goals and dreams. With that background, it’s easier to understand my father’s drive and desire for us to succeed. He envisioned that I would one day follow in his footsteps, become a lawyer, and join him in his practice. Being the eldest, however, much was expected of me, and when I failed to meet those expectations, bore the brunt of his disappointment at the end of a belt. The corporal punishment, however, wasn’t the kind delivered by a loving parent, concerned with “…train[ing] a child in the way he should go”[1], offering reassuring words of his continued love and attempts to comfort at the end; but delivered, rather, with a meanness, vindictiveness and malice reserved for one’s enemy (evidenced by the bruises both physical and emotional). I have to admit that his bark was worse than his bite, as the mere raising of his voice would unnerve, disturb and perplex me, especially when he grew impatient with me. As a result, I feared my father and his outbursts, and distanced myself from him as I adopted passive/aggressive behaviors[2] (e.g. procrastination, depression, avoidance, etc.), as a defense mechanism to cope with the stress of my early childhood - a fault and weakness against which I guard as an adult. Compounding this paternal dysfunction was the fact of his absenteeism due not so much to career as to his infidelity towards our mother. My father had another wife while still married to our mother – a secret he kept well-hidden from us. After his death, I came to know my half-brothers and sisters (all 6 of them) and learned of the warm, loving and fond memories they had of him. I was actually jealous of the apparent affection my half-siblings received from my father. I envied them their warm memories of my father and close relationship they seemingly enjoyed with him. I struggle to admit that this revelation produced more pain and self-pity than those nights I cried myself to sleep. Maybe he distanced himself from us, because he loved his other wife more, I don’t know, but I felt gypped, deprived, and cheated of having a dad. Please understand, I love my father, but I hated what he did to me, to us (that "father wound" resulting in our respective hurts, habits and hang-ups). I trust he’s in heaven (based on reports of his accepting Christ before his death), but we still had to live with the effects of “…the sins of the fathers.”[3] I can’t speak for my siblings as, “…each heart knows its own bitterness…”[4], (perhaps matters of the heart, feelings and emotions is the proper province of relativism) but this paternal dysfunction was instrumental in my early development and produced in me a “quiet defiance” towards my father and authority. It was also during this period in my life (jr. high – H.S.) that I began to seriously doubt the existence of God, and even contemplate suicide.

"All happy families resemble one another, but each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy (1875-77)

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon When you comin' home dad? I don't know when, but we'll get together then son You know we'll have a good time then (“Cats in the Cradle”, Harry Chapin)

“It’s the terror of knowing what this world is about, watching some good friends scream, ‘let me out!'” (“Under Pressure”, Queen)

"Carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more." (Carry on Wayward Son, Kansas)

"I'm too depressed, to go on, You'll be sorry when I'm gone" (Adam's Song, Blink 182)

“Hate the sin, love the sinner” (Mahatma Gandhi)

"The unexamined life is not worth living." (“Apology”, Socrates)

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find? (Pr. 20:6)

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book." (Ps.56:8 NLT)

No one else can know your sadness, and strangers cannot share your joy (Pr.14:10 NCV)

“Fathers, do not irritate and provoke your children to anger [do not exasperate them to resentment], but rear them [tenderly] in the training and discipline and the counsel and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4, Amplified)

"And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.” (Mt.18:5-6)

*Richard III, Shakespeare

[1] Proverbs 22:6

[2] http://www.livestrong.com/article/14713-eliminating-passive-aggressiveness/

[3] Psalm 79:8

[4] Pr. 14:10

Melancholy Princess

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” (Malachi 2:15-17 NLT)

I did a quick search and discovered there are only 6 instances in which the Bible explicitly states that “God” or “the Lord” “hates” something. It’s a noteworthy event given how seldom the Bible states how God “hates” something. Why is divorce such an object of derision, disdain and disregard in God’s view? Perhaps an experience I had on my return trip from Texas this past Easter weekend might shed some light on why God has such a strong opinion about divorce. I enjoyed a visit with friends over the Easter weekend in Texas. My best friend and his wife flew me down from KC and had me stay with them for the weekend. I thoroughly enjoyed myself as I visited with old and new friends. I always look forward to such sweet fellowship. But as is the case with life in this world, nothing lasts, and I soon found myself making the trip back home to KC. I flew Southwest Airlines, and if you’re familiar with Southwest, you sit anywhere you can find a seat. I scanned the first few rows and found an open middle seat in the second row between an older lady seated in an aisle seat and a little girl by the window. I initially thought the middle seat may have been for the little girl's parent, but I asked the old lady if anyone was sitting between them, to which she responded, “No”. I asked if I could sit between them and the old lady said “Yes” and got up to let me to slip by her. I thanked “Jan”, whose name I later learned, and after I settled down between them, I proceeded to catch some sleep, but was soon awakened by the sound of crying. I turned to my right and noticed the little girl crying. She was trying to hide her tears, but couldn’t as she cried in the manner of children with that quick succession of gasps punctuated by sobs, accompanied by a torrent of tears. I asked her if she was ok. She shook her head no, as the tears continued to stream down her face. I turned to my left and Jan, perhaps seeing the perplexity and consternation on my face, explained that the girl’s parents had recently divorced; and after having visited her dad in Dallas was returning to her mother in Detroit. I turned my attention back to her and my heart went out to this melancholy cherub. I thought to myself, “How could a father let his 6 y.o. daughter fly alone under such circumstances?” I knew that if he could only see his broken-hearted, grief-stricken, sad little princess at that moment his own heart would break and he would do everything (perhaps even called off divorce if he could see then what I saw now) in his power to comfort her and stop those tears. I was convinced of this because that’s exactly how I felt. I felt helpless flustered, and frustrated in my desire to scoop her up in my arms and wipe away the tears, but could not, for obvious reasons. So, I did the next best thing and tried to bring a smile to her face. I obtained a gift bag from the flight attendant, which contained an activity book that had mazes, word scrambles, crossword puzzles, and connect-the-dots exercises. I offered it to her along with a little packet of tissues, which Jan volunteered. I introduced myself and found out her name was, “Alyssia” (She later made a point of explaining to me that she dotted the “i” with a heart) Slowly, her tears subsided as I inquired about her visit with her dad and all that she did while in Texas, which she happily recounted. Eventually, she turned her attention to the activity book and enlisted my help in completing some of the exercises. I actually found 8 or 9 (but who’s counting?) of the 12 words in the word scramble, and despite her reluctance to do the crossword I was instrumental in helping her finish it. Eventually we landed in KC, where I was to disembark while she continued on to Detroit. I leaned over and said, “Do you want to know a secret?” She looked up at me and nodded, “yes”. “Jesus loves you.” I told her. She looked at me with those bright blue eyes, and innocently asked, “Who’s Jesus?” My heart sank as I realized that she had never been told about God or Jesus. I didn’t have time to explain in detail so I said that, “Jesus is God and He will find you so you can be with Him in Heaven one day.” “Are you going to be there?” she asked. “Yes, of course. I'll see you there in 80yrs or so - deal?” She agreed and we high-fived. As I exited the row, she jumped up and offered me a set of plastic wings she received in her gift bag. I thanked her, and as I walked through the airport, wings in hand, I prayed that God would protect her and keep her safe. I don’t know the details of her parents' divorce, and I’m sure there’s two sides to every story, but it’s my experience that, more often than not, the husband, in his role as the spiritual head of his family can do much to repair and strengthen his marital relationship. It’s his role as a spiritual warrior to defend his family by #1, guarding his own heart, battling in prayer against the “powers” and “principalities”[1] intent on his family’s destruction, and nurturing his wife as a gardener tends to his garden, “…cleansing her by the washing with water through the word”[2]. It’s our failure as men to see our role as spiritual warriors in submission to God, "the Lord of Heaven's Armies", who endows us with the authority to head our families, enabling us to nurture our sisters in Christ and protect the families we are blessed to have with them; a failure resulting in a 50% divorce rate in the best case, and husbands killing wives and loved ones, in the worst case. It’s the tragic result of a failure to recognize that we are not, nor is anything we have, truly our own, that “in body and spirit you are his”.

“Dear God, would You bless me and my brothers today, helping us recognize in greater measure our identity as sons of God, princes of the King of Kings, and to walk, therefore, this day, in victory over the devil, the world and our own flesh, becoming more and more the husbands, fathers, sons and brothers You want us to be. I ask this in Jesus’ Name. Amen. “

“You are a garden locked up, my sister, my bride; you are a spring enclosed, a sealed fountain.” (Song of Solomon, 4:12 NIV)

"Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits." (Song of Solomon, 4:16)

"Catch the foxes for us,The little foxes that are ruining the vineyards,While our vineyards are in blossom." (Song of Solomon, 2:15 NASB)

"For the Son of Man has come to seek and save that which was lost." (Luke 19:10 NKJV)

"I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride" (Song of Solomon, 5:1)

"Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?" (Pr. 20:6)
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21:4 NIV)

“Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.” (Anna B. Warner, 1820 -1915)

[1] Ephesians 6:12

[2] Ephesians 5:26

The Divine Romance (1 of 5) – Apologia

“The fool says in his heart, “There is no God” (Psalm 14:1)

I remember in 7th grade around 12 or 13 (I repeated the 1st grade), walking through the woods behind Susan Wagner H.S. with my friends Steven P., Steven C, and Mark A.. We had just finished playing ice hockey on a frozen pond at Pouch Camp on Staten Island, NY one of the few places left in NYC outside of Central Park where there’s still trees and lakes. It’s actually part of what’s called the “Green Belt” on S.I., an area of woods and forest set aside from development, which prevents S.I. from becoming the concrete jungle that much of the other boroughs resemble. It was an improvised game where we used dead tree branches for hockey sticks and a flattened soda can for a puck. Those were fun times. And as we trekked through the woods on our way back home, the dead leaves crunching beneath our shoes, the late afternoon sun shining through naked branches, I jumped over a small creek and remarked, “You know, all we live for are memories.” It was a statement that earned me some mild sarcasm and scorn characteristic of adolescent teens more concerned with what was on TV that night, or what was for dinner than what was the meaning of life. In the years leading up to this, my belief in God began to wane. Please don’t misunderstand; my brother, my sisters and I were brought up believing in God. Our mom used to “drag” us to church on a regular basis. I vividly remember, when I was 5 yrs old our mother teaching us the “Our Father” and “Hail Mary” (we grew up Roman Catholic) as we lay down to bed. In retrospect, I realize how absent our father was in our spiritual instruction and formation. In my experience, at least, he played no active role that I can remember. I suspect the absence of fathers in their children’s spiritual formation to be a contributing factor to the struggles or hang-ups people may have later in life with a belief in God, let alone seeing God as a Heavenly Father. This is a little of what John Eldredge calls the “father wound”1 that many of us suffer (abusive and/or absentee fathers – in my case both) – a wound that unfortunately is often perpetuated from generation to generation as evidenced by the decline of the nuclear family in our day 2 But I also came to realize with increasing clarity how unfair and unjust life can be, how the good doesn’t always win, how the fairy tales we were taught as kids didn’t correspond to “reality”, and how very few stories end in a “happily ever after”. As a result, an increasing sense of despair, loss of hope and meaning, a profound “teenage angst”, seemed to settle upon me as I came to the unsettling conclusion that “God is dead”.3 It was unsettling because if God was dead, the question then arose, “what’s this life for?”4 If the idea of God and the notion of absolute right and wrong, good and evil was no longer relevant; then by what compass, what navigational chart, what guiding principle do I steer and sail my vessel through this ocean of uncertainty called life? Ah, but the good ship “Atheism” was ready to weigh anchor, and Capt. “Relativism” and his first mate, “Nihilism” beckoned me to ““Come sail away“5. I perused the brochure and toured the boat, but I never set sail or left port. For it was while entertaining the notion of atheism and peering into that abyss of relativism, that I began to understand the nihilistic consequences that life would entail, leading to my melancholy observation regarding life’s purpose (If living for nothing more than memories wasn’t depressing enough, consider that upwards of 50% of us will develop Alzheimer’s in our old age.6) And isn’t it an insidious “nihilism”, a helpless, hopeless sense of life, bereft of meaning, purpose, and value that’s characteristic of a certain “quiet desperation”7 that afflicts many, particularly our youth, resulting in suicide as the “third leading cause of death among those aged 15-24”?8 I remember entertaining the notion myself from junior high through high school, even sharing the idea with friends, but I have to admit, I was too much of a coward to avail myself of that “suicide solution”9 (To be continued…)

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? …Of course, I could have given up my idea of justice by saying that it was nothing but a private idea of my own [relativism]. But if I did that, then my argument against God collapsed too--for the argument depended on saying that the world was really unjust, not simply that it did not happen to please my private fancies. Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist--in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless--I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality--namely my idea of justice--was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning. -C.S. Lewis

To sustain the belief that there is no God, atheism has to demonstrate infinite knowledge, which is tantamount to saying, "I have infinite knowledge that there is no being in existence with infinite knowledge" --Ravi Zacharias

A disbelief in God does not result in a belief in nothing; disbelief in God usually results in a belief in anything. —anonymous



[1] Wild at Heart, John Eldredge 2001

[2] http://ezinearticles.com/?Single-Parent-Family-Statistics---Single-Parents-a-New-Trend?&id=1552445

[3] “The Gay Science”, Friedrich Nietzsche 1882

[4] “What’s this life for?”, Creed 1997

[5] “Come Sail Away”, Styx

[6] http://www.zarcrom.com/users/alzheimers/w-06.html

[7] “Walden”, Henry David Thoreau, 1854

[8] http://www.friendshospitalonline.org/teensuicide.htm

[9] “Suicide Solution”, Ozzy Osbourne

Divine Abduction: Precocious Melancholy

For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come. (Hebrews 13:14 NLT)

“When Enoch was 65 years old, he became the father of Methuselah. After the birth of Methuselah, Enoch lived in close fellowship with God for another 300 years, and he had other sons and daughters. Enoch lived 365 years, walking in close fellowship with God. Then one day he disappeared, because God took him.” (Gen. 5:21-24 NLT)

Enoch was only one of two people in the entire Bible [1]who didn’t die either naturally, by the Hand of God, or by the hand of man, but was “abducted” by God. After having first read this passage, I’ve often wondered what it would take for me to just be taken off this planet, straight into Heaven. Let me explain why I felt this way. I don’t recall when exactly, but there was a period in my life, between 5th and 8th grade, when I was pretty depressed; so depressed, in fact, that my mom took me to see a psychologist. I still remember that awkward, embarrassing, and fruitless meeting. How do you explain to a psychologist, or anyone else for that matter, that, at 11, or 12 years old, you despair of life, understand it’s filled with suffering, that life isn’t fair, that the good doesn’t always win, that the fairy tales you read growing up don’t correspond to “reality”, in short, that life sucks? (I was precocious in my melancholy) Life, even at a young age, lost its veneer of innocence, seemed hopeless, futile, without purpose; so much so, that I contemplated suicide as my means of escape (others may choose, sex, drugs, alcohol, etc.). But when I came to know Christ in my junior year of high school, surrendered my life to God and became a “born again” Christian, I realized that my life had a purpose and I had a mission to complete before I could punch my ticket and receive that call Home; that suicide wasn’t an option, that my life wasn’t my own, that I truly was living on borrowed time. Still, I’m not content with merely “phoning” Home (prayer), rather, I can’t wait to GO HOME, because I realize, “…this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave.”[2] And isn't this tacit understanding of the brevity of life, of the ephemeral nature of all that exists, that nothing lasts, what is the cause of our dissatisfaction, discontent, and "quiet desperation" (Thoreau)? Only in realizing the fact that, "He has planted eternity in the human heart..", so that in comparison "..all the things that are done under the sun...are meaningless, a chasing after the wind...", seeing that "...creation was subjected to futility..", can we then truly "..Be still, and know that [He is] God" [3] and find rest for our souls: "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." [4]
Besides, much of what I want can’t be had in this life. So while my desire to GO HOME, hasn’t diminished, the means whereby I would effect that departure appeared to be a daunting task. In my attempt to discover how to effect such a “divine abduction”, I discovered that Enoch “lived in close fellowship”, “walked steadily” (Message), “walked [in habitual fellowship]” (Amplified), “truly loved” (CEV), and “walked with” (KJV) God for 365 years! I pray to God that it doesn’t take me 365 years to learn how to do that, ‘cause I don’t think I can make it that long (Ps.90:10). But I know that however long God has for me in this, the epilogue of His-story, that as long as He’s with me, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”[5] I have a friend, Rusty, who used to pray, “I’m nothing without You Lord, but I thank You that I’m not without You.” With that in mind I pray:

Our DAD in Heaven, I thank You that You are with me, my brothers and sisters, so I ask would You please bless us today, empower us and give us the grace to “walk with" You, even today? I ask in Jesus’ Name.

“And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before.” (The Last Battle, C.S. Lewis)

“I know a place where we’ll be together and stay this young forever…We can get away to a better place, if you let me take you there…” (Let Me Take You There, Plain White T’s)
"Someday girl I don't know when we're gonna get to that place where we really wanna go and we'll walk in the sun, but 'till then tramps like us, baby we were born to run..." (Born to Run)
“We want more than this world’s got to offer.” (Meant to Live, Switchfoot)
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation." (Henry David Thoreau)
"I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind." (Ecclesiastes 1:14)
'...For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope" (Rom.8:20)
"...while we are at home in the body we are absent from the Lord." (2Cor.5:6)
"...they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth...they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them." (Heb.11:13,16)
For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come. (Hebrews 13:14 NLT)
[1] 2Ki.2:11

[2] 1Jn.2:17

[3] (Ps.46:10)

[4] Mt.11:28

[5] Ph.4:13